A Meeting of Passive-Aggressives Anonymous

Randy: Good evening, everybody, my name's Randy and I'm a passive-aggressive.

Crowd: Hi, Randy.

Randy: Well, as most of you know, I've been coming to these meetings now for many years, and have been leading meetings for the last five. But like everyone here, I have come to accept the fact that I will never be completely cured of my passive aggression. No matter how hard I work on it, or for how long, I'll always be a little P. A. Maybe not as P. A. as some people I know, some of whom have been going to meetings longer than I have, but that's not important. We all move forward at our own pace.

(Crowd nods in agreement)

Anyway, it's been brought to my attention that I don't necessarily need to tell my personal story every time I lead a meeting. Not to mention names, but apparently some of the regulars here feel it's too repetitive. Personally, I don't believe we come to these meetings to be entertained, but if that's the way people feel, far be it from me to put everyone to sleep with my worthless babble.

(Crowd murmurs)

I will say this: I've told my personal story to a number of very highly respected members of the community, people known throughout the region for their education and good taste, and they didn't think it was boring. On the contrary, one of them even told me my story had her so rapt with attention she nearly fell off the edge of her seat. But of course we're a diverse group, with varying levels of intelligence and upbringing, and not everyone can appreciate a story that's perhaps a bit too cerebral for the average Joe.

(Jean raises her hand)

Randy: Yes, Jean?

Jean: I don't think your story is boring.

Randy: (smiles) Well, thank you for that, Jean. It means a lot to me. I'll admit it was more than a little hurtful to me to hear that I'd been boring everyone all these years. So it does my heart good to know I was able to touch at least one listener with my words. But what we have to realize, Jean, is that not everyone is gifted with your generosity of spirit. Some people just aren't at that level yet, and may never be. Yes, Bob?

Bob: (stands) I just want to say how deeply saddened I am by this, Randy. You've always given so unstintingly of your time, and energy, and dedication. I don't know, maybe I'm a dinosaur, maybe I'm out of touch with the so-called values that are fashionable these days, and maybe these youngsters with their MTV know something I don't, but in my day, we were taught to have a little something called gratitude. I can't speak for anyone else here, Randy, but I for one am grateful for all you've done for the P. A. community.

(Applause)

Marie: (stands) I'd like to second what Bob said. Randy, you're a shining example for the rest of us, and it saddens me to think that someone among us—and I have an idea who it is, but I don't like to point fingers—a member of our community, which is like a family to so many of us, would take a potshot at you like that. And I'd just like to go on record as saying your personal story has always been an inspiration to me, and I never get tired of hearing it. But unlike some people, I don't feel the need to build myself up by putting others down.

(Crowd whistles and cheers)

Randy: (wipes a tear from his eye) Bob, Marie, thank you so much for your kind words. Maybe my story's not so worthless after all...how many would like to hear it, can I get a show of hands?

(All hands are raised)

Looks like it's unanimous. Hmm. That's interesting. The individual who approached me about this yesterday must have changed his mind. But hey, we're all entitled to that. Me, I'm an up-front kind of guy: what you see is what you get. I'm not the type to complain about something one day and suddenly be all for it the next. But then, that's what P. A. A. is all about, isn't it? Growing, changing...and sometimes some of us have lapses.

(Crowd nods)

Now, this individual who attacked me yesterday, I don't bear him any malice. He may have all kinds of pressures in his life that I can't even begin to understand. Of course, that's not to say we don't all have pressures. I know Marie works her little heart out raising those three kids of hers, and yet I've never known an unkind word to cross her lips. But what might seem like a little pressure to one person may be overwhelming to another. We have to be sensitive to that. The most important thing I've learned in P. A. A. is that we need to make room in our hearts for everyone, even for those who perhaps don't have room in their hearts for others.

(Murmurs of approval)

Randy: I see we have a newcomer tonight. Yes, ma'am?

Greta: (stands) Hi, everyone, my name's Greta and I'm a passive-aggressive.

Crowd: Hi, Greta.

Greta: Whew! It feels weird to finally say that. This is my first P. A. A. meeting, and I hope this isn't totally inappropriate, but I just want to point out that I've never heard Randy's story, and I look forward to hearing it. I realize I have a lot to learn about P. A., so maybe I have no right to say this, maybe I'm just an idiot speaking out of turn, and if so, y'all can just tell me to put a sock in it. But I've always believed it's the wise man who realizes how little he knows. I don't think any of us ever really stops learning, do we? And we all have so much we can learn from each other, if we're only willing to listen. So I would ask that anyone who feels he's so high and mighty that he has nothing more to learn, please take a moment to think of someone besides yourself. Some of us need all the help we can get. And I have a hunch some others may need more help than they think.

Randy: Very well said, Greta. And welcome to P. A. A. I think you'll find that for the most part, we're a very warm and hospitable bunch. I'm sorry your first meeting had to be marred by this unpleasantness, but I hope you won't let that color your perception of our group.

Anywho, I think we've all said quite enough on this subject. As it says in the P. A. handbook, Rule Number 5 is we must Learn To Let Go Of Our Grudges, or as I like to call it, Littlegoog. (Crowd chuckles) We mustn't nurse our little nicks and bruises any longer than necessary. Or even, in some cases, our big bruises. I sometimes wish that Marvin P. Hacker, the founder of P. A. A. and author of the P. A. Handbook, were still alive today, so I could ask him about that: how big does a bruise have to be before we're allowed to say "ouch"? But he's the Big Kahuna, and I'm just a little guy trying to get by in the real world; who am I to question him?

And really, I owe a huge debt of gratitude to Mr. Hacker. If it hadn't been for P. A. A., I'd still be back where I was fifteen years ago. Back then, I was a textbook case of passive aggression. If you think I'm bad now—I see Jean shaking her head, ha ha, thanks, Jean, but if you'd have known me back then, you'd never have believed I could make it to where I'm at now. And it's only through the grace of God, and this little book—(holds up handbook)—that I've come so far. Of course, hard work had a little something to do with it, too. A book can't do the heavy lifting for you. A book can't take the place of courage and determination. And these rules, well, they're great, but they don't cover every situation. I prefer to think of them as guidelines, really. But they're very good guidelines. I might have worded a few things differently, myself, but the point is, this little handbook is still as relevant today as it was back then, with just a few minor adjustments.

In the bad old days before I joined P. A. A., I never went a day without using all three of the classic P. A. weapons. Who here can name the P. A. Three? Greta, you want to give it a try?

Greta: Psychology, Religion, and Self-flagellation?

(Crowd claps)

Randy: Very good, Greta. I can see you're going to do very well here. Psychology, Religion, and Self-flagellation. P. R. S. I like to think of them as PMS, only with an R instead of an M. (Crowd chuckles.) Psychology. Who can give an example of using psychology as a weapon of passive aggression? How about you, Tom?

Tom: (clears throat) Um, well, that might be like, if you always feed your cat at six p.m. in the evening, and then one day you forget, and you try to tell yourself it was just because you were tired.

Randy: Okayyyyyy...interesting example, Tom. Anyone else have an example they can share? Joan?

Joan: Well, I've never actually done this? But I have this friend? Who's also a P. A.? But she goes to a different meeting? And what she does? Is she likes to put you down? But she sort of covers it up? With a lot of stuff that sounds really scientific? (makes air quotes with fingers) But it isn't really? Like, one time a bunch of us were arguing? About what movie to see? And she was the only one who wanted to see Gigli? And I did at first, too? But then I changed my mind? And she was all, accusing me? Of siding with the majority? And she called it the herd instinct? Like I'm a cow, or something? Even though she's like three sizes big—

Randy: Excellent example, Joan. What we passive-aggressives need to remember is that while psychology can help us to understand others—especially those who feel the need to sabotage us, whether due to jealousy, or insecurity, or whatever their personal demons might be—it should never be used in a self-serving way.

I remember back in my early P. A. days, a co-worker once accused me of talking to him like he was an idiot. Now, this fellow was one of those really blunt, pugnacious types, you know the kind, and there certainly were times when I was tempted to put him in his place. But of course I would never do a thing like that. Anywho, at the time, I told him I was deeply hurt by his accusation, and that I hoped he'd seek help for whatever mental problems had prompted him to lash out like that. Now, who can tell me what the appropriate response would have been? Marie?

Marie: I'm sorry you feel that way?

Randy: Ummmm...close. Very close. Angela?

Angela: You seem unhappy, are you going through a difficult time at home?

Randy: Errr...not quite what I'm looking for...Bob?

Bob: I'm deeply saddened by your need to project your own feelings of inadequacy onto me?

(Admiring nods)

Randy: Eh, not bad, but maybe just a tiny bit P. A....anyone else? Okay, according to the answer key in the workbook, the correct response would be, I don't feel that way at all, and I'm terribly sorry to have given you that impression.

(Stunned silence)

Randy: Hmm. I can see why some of you look puzzled. Remember, this book was written over twenty years ago, and some of the examples...well, let's just say Mr. Hacker lived in a very different time. He didn't have to deal with the same kinds of pressures that we're under today. Really, when you think about it, Marie's answer was better suited to today's culture: I'm sorry you feel that way.

(Crowd murmurs, I'm sorry you feel that way.)

Moving on, though, I'd like to say a few words about Religion. Back when I hit bottom, I used to resort to Religion at least three times a day. If someone disagreed with me about anything, I'd always respond by promising to pray for them.

(Crowd chuckles understandingly)

What are some other ways a P. A. might be tempted to use religion as a weapon?

Tom: (clears throat) Uh, what about when people join a cult and they keep a lot of guns in the basement?

Randy: Uh, okayyyy, sure...anyone else? Guiermo?

Guiermo: How about, when you say God bless you, but it's really clear you mean Go to Hell?

Randy: (puts finger on nose) Bingo. Did everybody hear that? When you say God bless you, but you really mean Go to Hell. It all goes back to Rule 8 in the handbook: Say What You Mean And Take Responsibility For It. SWYMATRFI. (Writes acronym on chalkboard) You know how I remember that one? I swim twice a week, and if you don't swim...your muscles can atrophy. Swim-Atrophy. I'm sorry, Greta, did you have a question?

Greta. Sorry if this is totally inappropriate of me, and if it's a clueless newbie question, y'all can just tell me to zip my lip, but I'm a little confused. Why is it good to go around telling people to go to Hell?

Randy: That's not a clueless question at all, Greta. It's very astute. The way I see it is, we're not supposed to necessarily take all of these rules literally. Remember what I said about them being more like guidelines. Naturally, you would never actually tell someone to go to Hell. That would be unforgivable.

(Crowd murmurs in agreement)

I think it's more important to honor the spirit of the rule. For example, instead of saying God bless you, which would be too obviously insincere, you could say something a little closer to what you really mean, like, Forgive them, Lord, for they know not what they do.

Jean: How about, Love the sinner, hate the sin?

Randy: Another good one...

Bob: How about, Jesus loves you, and it deeply saddens me to see you driving another nail into his crucifix?

Randy: Errm...okay, not bad, Bob. But d'ya think that might be just a tiny bit P. A.?

Greta: I think it's beautiful!

(Several members echo the sentiment)

Randy: Er, yes, Greta, but can you see how Bob's statement might be construed as a veiled barb?

Greta: Gee, I don't see how. I thought he was just expressing his feelings of pain and sorrow. But you're right, I'm out of line. I'm an idiot. From now on I'll just keep my big trap shut.

Randy: Now, Greta, I hope you won't do that. Your contributions have been very insightful, especially considering this is only your first day.

Bob: I couldn't agree more, Greta. Your comments have been very, very insightful. You hit the nail on the head when you said I was just expressing pain and sorrow. I really don't understand what's so P. A. about that. But Randy here is the big man on campus, and what he says goes. If he says my ideas are idiotic drivel, well, then, I guess he's got to be right.

Randy: Bob, you know perfectly well I didn't say—

Bob: But I don't quite see how Randy can say your comments are insightful when he obviously thinks your opinion of my drivel is just more drivel. In fact, that almost sounds like passive-aggressive hedging to me, but we all know Randy would never do that. It's all very confusing. But then again I'm kinda slow, sometimes, so maybe Randy can explain that one to me.

Randy: What I said was that Greta's comments were insightful considering how new—

Greta: Yes, I realize I'm the new kid on the block here, and I'm not part of the In Crowd, so maybe I have no right to say this, but I don't think Bob's suggestion was idiotic drivel. I realize you're the boss in these parts, and I'm sure that makes you smarter than anyone else here, but maybe, just maybe, wisdom can come from the humble as well as the mighty.

(Murmurs of agreement)

Randy: Okay, Greta, you win. From now on, you're the boss. Sure, I've got experience, but we all know how worthless that is. I've contributed nothing to P. A. A. all these years. And I'm sure everyone here would agree that I've done a lousy job of leading these meetings.

(Clamor of protest)

Greta: Oh, no! Of course not!

Randy: I'm a poor excuse for a leader.

Greta: No, I didn't mean that at all! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to step on any toes.

Randy: No, I'm the one who's sorry. You should take over.

Greta: Oh, no, I couldn't...someday, maybe, but no, please, you're doing a fantastic job. Absolutely fantastic.

Randy: Sometimes I wonder if I'm making any difference at all.

Greta: Oh, I'm sure you are! I've heard so many people say such wonderful things about you!

Randy: Ah, what do they know?

Greta: They know a lot! They do, they do.

Randy: Well, maybe I'll stick it out for just a little while longer. If you're sure you're okay with that, Greta.

Greta: Oh, yes, of course, and I'm so sorry—

Randy: Okay, moving right along...self-flagellation. As you know from Rule 2 in the handbook, self-flagellation is the P. A.'s way of making the other person feel like the bad guy. Hence the rule: Respond To Real People, Not Imaginary Villains. R. T. R. P. N. I. V. Or as I like to call it, Road Trippin' In Van. (Crowd chuckles)

Now, back before I joined the program, this was one of my favorite tactics. If someone criticized me in the slightest, I'd twist and exaggerate it so bad, by the time I was done with him, that poor sucker would be groveling on his knees begging for forgiveness.

Joan: Oh my god? That sounds just like my friend? The one I mentioned earlier? Only she's that way with—

Randy: Thanks Joan. Sorry to interrupt, but it looks like we're just about out of time. Before you leave, I'd like each of you to choose a partner and prepare a skit for next week. The topic is Rule 4: The Blunt Are People Too, or as I like to call it, Tabapptee. (Crowd chuckles) Have a good week, everybody...and I do mean all of you, even those of you whose personal issues may be causing you to harbor some ill will toward me...and you know who you are.

© Cy Anide