Hell

There's a special place in Hell, there's a special place in Hell
Where the rankest souls are tortured (and they're tortured very well!)
Where the punishment is fitted to the crime, so I've heard tell.
True justice is delivered in that special place in Hell!

The telephone receptionist who "cares about your call"
But somehow never manages to answer you at all
Is fated to remain on hold through all eternity
While listening to ABBA as performed by Kenny G.

The pious type who peddles his religion door to door
Must hear the Hare Krishnas chant each day from eight to four.
The over-eager businessman who spams his clientele
Watches endless infomercials in that special place in Hell.

The schmuck who fears his manhood isn't all it ought to be
And compensates by driving an obnoxious SUV
Must crawl in one-lane traffic up a narrow mountain trail
In a clanky little Kia with a Kenworth on his tail.

The anti-evolutionists who push their dippy views
Are given full lobotomies to bolster their I.Q.s.
The slimy pseudo-doctor with a supplement to sell
Is a drunken surgeon's victim in that special place in Hell.

There's a special place in Hell, there's a special place in Hell.
It's a place of pain and anguish, but I think it's pretty swell.
For it holds the worst of sinners like a giant Roach Motel,
And the fiends get their comeuppance in that special place in Hell!

© Scott Emmons

"Hell" appears in Word Chowder.