Speech found in Karl Rove's top drawer, marked "For Dubya, in Case of 'October Surprise' Second Coming"

Well, how about them Democrats, huh? That whole party's a flip flop. (pause for cheers) All right, let's take a look at my new opponent. I know it hasn't been long, but I've had enough time to study His entire record... 'cause there ain't much there, folks! (pause for laughter)

Let's start with His economic policy. He's for investment, that's good. He says don't bury your money out back, invest it. That's common sense... obvious, even. It's what you want to hear, right? But His record tells another story. My opponent has never invested a penny in anything in His entire life. And listen to what else He said. Remember now, this is coming from the party of Hope: (pause for jeers) He says there will always be poor people. Does that sound like hope to you? (pause for No) Does that sound like the attitude we need to move this country forward? (pause for No)

All right, so let's move to the other issue that I know is at the top of all your heads: Security. By asking for your vote, my opponent is asking you to put the security of your family in His hands. So let's see some of His policy statements. What's this? He says to love your enemies. And you thought a sensitive war was bad! (pause for laughter and applause) This guy is going to love those terrorists to death. How does that work, exactly? (pause for smirk) Okay, well, how about something more specific, like what do we do when we are under attack? He says here that if your enemy slaps you in the face, then you give him your other cheek so he can slap that, too. (pause for gasps and jeers) Let me tell you something. Nine eleven was a slap in the face for this country and I'll be hogtied before I let anybody slap us again! (pause for cheers and stomping)

You know, really we shouldn't be surprised. We have here a man who said that He will set brother against brother, and father against child. That's on the record, folks. I didn't make that up. (pause for digestion) If a man doesn't care about family values why should he bother defending our families? (pause for shaking of Family Values signs)

For a while now, the Democrats have been accusing us of dirty pool. My opponent has said that He without sin should cast the first stone. Well, my administration has done everything right for four years and we've got a stone or two to throw, I reckon! (pause for thunderous applause)

You can bet that plenty of people called out my opponent's name on that fateful day of nine eleven. Maybe even more people than called out my name, or Rudy Giuliani's. But have you seen any actual photographs of my opponent with His arm around a fireman? I don't think so, because there aren't none! (pause for hooting and whistling) Where was He? Oh, I don't know, maybe He was washing the feet of some evildoer. (pause for snorting) But you will always know where I am and you will always know where I stand. God bless America! Amen!

© Don Zirilli