Nine Steps to a Truly Generic Pronoun

by Steven Beeney, M.A.

Feminist reaction to the generic, masculine pronouns of Standard English (he, him, his) has spawned several alternatives, none of which meet all social and linguistic needs. For example, "Someone has lost his keys" renders the common substitution "Someone has lost their keys." Disagreement in gender is exchanged for disagreement in number. Then there is "Someone has lost his or her keys." Although technically correct, it lacks fluidity and fails to satisfy the English ear. The ideal pronoun would do justice to all people alike and would keep that good old Anglo-Saxon sound of spoken English—that is, its one-beat drive, as opposed to, say, mono-syllabic momentum. Our logic and foresight now could save continued dissatisfaction and confusion as well as further revision by future generations. Let us consider then the following steps to a truly generic pronoun, in light of socio-linguistic demands, past, present, and future.

1 . He, him, his, (subjective, objective, possessive). These pronouns fail to acknowledge women and girls, so we reject them for sociological reasons. Also they are irregular and difficult even for some native speakers. Only English teachers do not budge. Armed with grammar books and red pencils, they defend against barbarisms and trendy lingo, to preserve long-term intelligibility. However, change is inevitable. But to what? Will it be a real improvement or merely patronizing?

2. She, her, her. This system too is irregular, and it ignores the other 50% of the population. Men dislike being referred to as a "she" for exactly the same reason women do as "he." Only in elementary education and nursing, where women predominate, is the generic she used but then alternating with he.

3. It, it, its. Good old Anglo-Saxon monosyllable, totally non-sexist, slightly irregular (no apostrophe before the S to avoid confusion with the contraction of "it is"). So how about "it"? We find a resounding no! Plants, insects, and lower life-forms are its. One refers to a stray dog as it but to a pet dog as he or she. The pattern here is the less we value a being, the less we attribute gender to it. Sexuality is a deeply human reference few go long without. (Are we not devaluing ourselves by de-sexing our language?) Though "it" meets consciously agreed upon criteria for an androgynous ideal, it fails to meet deeper needs. Something here to keep in mind.

4. He or she, him or her, his or her. This popular arrangement is socially expedient but breaks the natural beat of English. Using both pronouns together is twice as irregular as using either one. It is too wordy and will probably not survive a lull in the feminist barrage.

5. He/she, him/her, his/her. Writers like this/these although the rhythm problem persists. And oh by the way, how is/are it/they pronounced? He/She is/are not a word although it/they look/s like one; it/they is/are hybrid/s and though expedient in print are awkward in speech, thus disqualifying it/them.

6. S/he. This item is rare mainly because of having only a subjective form. It continues many old problems, although it is short, saves typing, and is simply appealing. Something about it worth remembering.

7. He/she/it, him/her/it, his/her/its. Scientists are now developing the technology for a "new age" of genetically engineered medicines, vegetables, and farm animals. Why not asexual androids-designer humanoids to work our factories, clean our houses, patrol our streets, and repair our cars? Such a creature could digest all our organic waste and sewage. For thousands of years, the wealthy and powerful have been trying to breed sa servant class who would do that. Asexual beings could hardly be called he or she and might well be offended out of a sense of ethnic pride. Then once again, English would have to be altered to avoid discrimination. Imagine future generations struggling through old 20th and 21st century writing, forgetting how each generation used which pronoun.

He/She/It is irregular, non-rhythmic, unwieldy, and silly looking, but it does justice to all: masculine, feminine, neuter. Borrowing the brevity of s/he, adding the inclusiveness of he/she/it, and regularizing the whole system by eliminating the objective form and re-instituting the apostrophe S, we arrive at:

8. S/h/it, s/h/it, s/h/its. Short, regular, and acknowledges all genders equally. But it is not a word really, and it is completely unpronounceable. Solution: Remove the slashes.

9. Shit, shit, shits. This truly generic pronoun is utterly non-sexist, is regular, follows greater English tradition, and evokes a favorable response. Intelligent readers admit that shit trips off the tongue. Opposition is likely to stem from its resemblance to the S word, but such criticism may be discounted as Victorian stuffiness and anti-intellectualism. And as the S word is seldom seen or heard in polite society—there is shit, and then there's shit—their confusion is unlikely. Consider the following adapted sayings:

• Shit who lies down with dogs shall rise up with fleas.
• Let shit speak now or forever hold shit's peace.
• Let shit who is perfect cast the first stone.
• Shit who laughs last laughs best.
• Shit who hesitates is lost.

Although this essay has not dealt with the generic "man" or mankind, one plausible result of this sort of shit is the eventual replacing of "man" altogether. Consider:

• Clothes make the shit.
• All shits are created equal.
• I never met a shit I didn't like.
• Shit does not live by bread alone.
• White shit speaks with forked tongue.
• A shit is known by the company shit keeps.
• One small step for shit; one giant leap for shit-kind.
• Early to bed and early to rise makes a shit healthy, wealthy, and wise.
• No shit is an island, entire of shit-self. Every shit is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. . . . Any shit's death diminishes me, because I am involved in shit-kind and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee.

We envision the day—some of us will live to see it—when English is castrated of all sexist parlance. So may our discourse amount to more than verbal masturbation. May our words penetrate like shafts of truth into the abyss and rise to the opportunity opening wide before us. For only when all speakers, writers, and publishers make sure that shit fills every conversation, article, book, broadcast, and film can we all be impregnated with purpose. Ever mindful then of the shit that is our heritage, of the shits that we now are, and of all the shit we shall someday leave to posterity, the author humbly submits this shit.

© Steven Beeney