Franco-American Spaghetti Western

With Sparkling Freedom (not champagne)
And Patriot Bread (not Au Bon Pain)
We spit out all that beaujolais
To celebrate the U.S.A.

In our Americanized edition
Voila's lost to the magician
Fries are "freedom", never French
Chaise longue is your "American Bench"

Our women never put on rouge
Our winter sports eschew the luge
Our soldiers never camouflage
Our hospitals must not triage

Amid the buzz of language saws
We toss the salad called Niçoise
We'd not have any strength to boast
From breakfast croissants and French toast

Movies lose their mis-en-scenes
Bakers burn their madeleines
Omelet's flip-side? U. S. eggs!
American Hose replaces L'Eggs

We see through all those negligees
That Frenchify the U.S. phrase
A peignoir called a Freedom Shirt
Sounds better (if a trifle curt)

French kiss? Man, there ain't no way,
We're kissing for the U.S.A.!
(In fact, with limp-wrist circumflex,
Why don't we just get rid of sêx?)

Then extirpate the accent grave
(It's only useful to the snob)
From C to shining C we'll soar
With no cedillas anymore

American humor must sternly go
Marching in with no bon mot
And none could ever win our trust
Who puts on airs with some mot juste

Forget about your déjà vu
From World War I (or was it II?)
When, by jingo, German words
Were deemed a plague of language turds

And Liberty Cabbage rooted out
All vestiges of sauerkraut
While patriotic hearts did harden
To kick kids out of kindergarten

"I see London"? — fine, but France
Must not invade our underpants
No pantaloons for Uncle Sams!
No sissy French defiles these hams!

The Anglo-Saxon ideologues
Will free our speech from mincing Frogs
We'll celebrate Red, White & Blue!
(Oh, wait — are those their colors too?)

© rob_said_that